I am a crazy man of God. Not a cutter.

                                        

 I am a crazy man of God. Not a cutter!

  For the past few weeks there have been attacks on my mind.   Old thoughts of suicide, homosexuality and self-mutilation have been creeping their way into my life again.  I know it is all Satan.  He wants me because he knows I am not his.  Therefore he attacks more often at things that may rip me a part if I am at a weak point. 


  Refreshing my heart in Christ daily is crucial.  Lately it has been slightly difficult trying to find time.  With work at the group home and spending time with people it is hard taking time away from that for God.  I learned that I need to sacrifice that time in order to continue pursuing God.  If I don't, I stop functioning and am more likely to give into the thoughts the evil one has been attacking me with. Yesterday is an example of that...


  I was weak spiritually, emotionally, and physically from not refreshing and renewing myself in God. The past couple of weeks I have felt attacked so much but have been hanging on to God and his Truth and receiving strength to fight the evil one.  But yesterday was a weak point.  I took a razor and dug the sharp tip into the skin of my hand.  One swipe and it was over.  Everything felt familiar like before I found freedom in Christ. It wasn't pretty. I was a wreck. I messed up.

  What was I doing?  I should have ran to God with the way I was feeling or talked to my brother/ accountability partner / dear friend so he could pray for me.  But I did not.  I hurt myself.  For a brief moment I had to decide whether this is who I was becoming again. It wasn't!  I prayed crying to God for his help, grace, and his loving arms to wrap themselves around me and carry me.  Trust me He already was.  He is my Daddy and He will never leave me.  


  God has brought me out of that. I have found my joy in Christ again and was reminded that I don't have to cut myself and bleed because Jesus already has done that for me.  It was a big reminder that I needed to remember.  God is so faithful and is so gracious.  His love is strong.  A verse that has helped me a bit lately...


                                                God, my God, I yelled for help
                                                    and you put me together.
                                          God, you pulled me out of the grave,
                                                 gave me another chance at life
                                                   when I was down and out.
                                                             Psalms 30:2-3




  Those verses speak straight Truth.  There are hundreds of verses in the Word that speak the truth about how God has forgiven, healed, and freed his children.  God has put me back together and I have freedom. Freedom in Christ!  


  Although there may still be dark times and countless attacks from the evil one.  God is with me every flaming arrow, running at them full speed ahead! I love you so much, God.  You are so amazing and good to us. I love you. 


  Rejoice in the temptations of:
    Self Mutilation.
    Homosexuality.
    Depression.
    Suicide.

 PS. I am not giving in. God is filling me with his strength.  Satan can try all he wants.  I am not his.  I am a crazy man of God. God's child!


 Love. Forgiveness. Healing. Freedom.