Flawless love story.

The word of the Lord is flawless.

You rocked my world the moment you entered my life.

' Gregg Alexander, I love you so much.  There were a few times that people came to me and told me how much you could be my little brother, and I just told them you were.  Because you are.  You are the best and I feel blessed to know you and call you my brother.'

  I woke up to that one morning.  

  Big brother, I love you.  You know who you are.

I love, love, love you.

  I know why I am here.  Why God has me in this place.  To love and love hard on people.  To love them no matter what.  To help them realize that there is freedom in Christ.  To help them claim freedom for themselves.  To be a light(God's light) in this dark world.  To shine His light wherever I go.  To spread the contagious joy of the Lord.

 This is my purpose.  These are my gifts that God has blessed me with and shot through the core of my heart.  I am content.  I am at peace.  I am here to love.  Be free and fly with me.  It is yours!  God loves you more then you may know.  I love you.

God, my God.

  Even if I die alone. I swear I won't be lonely.

A small boy.

  A small boy who was adventurous and full of imagination.  He was bright and consumed by big dreams.  The way he saw the world was not in a way one would be used to.

  Days when he wished he was wanted and not alone on his adventures were many.  The boy had a big brother who shared all of his adventures with his friends rather instead of his little brother.


  One day the big brother and his friends thought that they would ask the little boy if he would like to play with them.  The little boy jumped at the opportunity to have some fun and adventure with his big brother and his friends.  What the little boy did not know was that the big brothers' friends had a evil twisted plan.


 Strange and unexpected things began to happen.  Clothes hit the floor.  Skin touched skin.  The boy suddenly did not feel adventurous anymore.  The little boy suddenly felt cold and empty.  His big brother and his friends became the monsters that would lurk in the dark crevices of the boys imagination.  He was terrified.  He did not like this adventure.

  The little boy ran to the closet and hid inside.  Piling toys and clothes on top of him so his brother and his friends could not find him.  It did not work because they were bigger and found him every time.


  The little boy looked into the face of his big brother wondering if all of this was alright?  His brother had a dark look on his face like he was an enemy and not a good guy in this adventure.


  Footsteps were heard coming up the stairs.  It was the two brothers' oldest sister.  Clothes flew back on.  The little boy did not have enough time to put his pants back on.  He ran into the closet.  All he heard was his brother and his friends whispering "Don't tell." The sister walks in wondering what everyone was doing. All was ignored due to lies.

  No one-not the brother or his friends- ever talked about what happened.  It would happen every now and then until the little boy and his family moved three years after.  The boy would have been three the first time it happened. 


 Why?  I do not think we will ever know or understand.  The little boys relationship with his brother was never the same.  Either the big brother felt guilty or just grew up not accepting the little boy. I have no idea. The little boy grew up confused about love and how to be loved.

  The little boy also believes he was molested by a man around that same time.  All the little boy remembers are crazy situations.  I will leave it at that.


  Please do not hurt kids.  It will impact and change them and who they are to become.  For real.  I would know.  

  I love you.  God rescues.  He rescued me.

Furious Love.

Love God.

Love on People.

No Hesitation.

P.S. I love God and you immensely.

Joy

I am not giving up the fight to keep the contagious joy that God has given me.  It is my gift and I am embracing it.

John 3:30

He must become greater. I must become less.

He must increase. I must decrease.

God must become greater and greater. I must become less and less.

This is the assigned moment for him to move into the center, while I slip off to the sidelines.

No hesitation.

                            When you look at me. 
                        There can be no hesitation.

When Finally Set Free.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take

Reminding us how far we've come

Let the pain burn away from our hearts

We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here 

Make our hearts as perfect as new

Oh if you would shine your love down here

I promise I'd reflect it right back at you

Oh I promise I'd reflect it right back at you

Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you

                                                                       -Copeland

Angel.

Sometimes an angel crosses your path unexpectedly.

It catches you so off guard that tears well up in your eyes.

Tonight an angel crossed my path.

They don't know who they are.

The three lines sent my way went unanswered,
But I'm so thankful they were sent to begin with. 

I am a crazy man of God. Not a cutter.

                                        

 I am a crazy man of God. Not a cutter!

  For the past few weeks there have been attacks on my mind.   Old thoughts of suicide, homosexuality and self-mutilation have been creeping their way into my life again.  I know it is all Satan.  He wants me because he knows I am not his.  Therefore he attacks more often at things that may rip me a part if I am at a weak point. 


  Refreshing my heart in Christ daily is crucial.  Lately it has been slightly difficult trying to find time.  With work at the group home and spending time with people it is hard taking time away from that for God.  I learned that I need to sacrifice that time in order to continue pursuing God.  If I don't, I stop functioning and am more likely to give into the thoughts the evil one has been attacking me with. Yesterday is an example of that...


  I was weak spiritually, emotionally, and physically from not refreshing and renewing myself in God. The past couple of weeks I have felt attacked so much but have been hanging on to God and his Truth and receiving strength to fight the evil one.  But yesterday was a weak point.  I took a razor and dug the sharp tip into the skin of my hand.  One swipe and it was over.  Everything felt familiar like before I found freedom in Christ. It wasn't pretty. I was a wreck. I messed up.

  What was I doing?  I should have ran to God with the way I was feeling or talked to my brother/ accountability partner / dear friend so he could pray for me.  But I did not.  I hurt myself.  For a brief moment I had to decide whether this is who I was becoming again. It wasn't!  I prayed crying to God for his help, grace, and his loving arms to wrap themselves around me and carry me.  Trust me He already was.  He is my Daddy and He will never leave me.  


  God has brought me out of that. I have found my joy in Christ again and was reminded that I don't have to cut myself and bleed because Jesus already has done that for me.  It was a big reminder that I needed to remember.  God is so faithful and is so gracious.  His love is strong.  A verse that has helped me a bit lately...


                                                God, my God, I yelled for help
                                                    and you put me together.
                                          God, you pulled me out of the grave,
                                                 gave me another chance at life
                                                   when I was down and out.
                                                             Psalms 30:2-3




  Those verses speak straight Truth.  There are hundreds of verses in the Word that speak the truth about how God has forgiven, healed, and freed his children.  God has put me back together and I have freedom. Freedom in Christ!  


  Although there may still be dark times and countless attacks from the evil one.  God is with me every flaming arrow, running at them full speed ahead! I love you so much, God.  You are so amazing and good to us. I love you. 


  Rejoice in the temptations of:
    Self Mutilation.
    Homosexuality.
    Depression.
    Suicide.

 PS. I am not giving in. God is filling me with his strength.  Satan can try all he wants.  I am not his.  I am a crazy man of God. God's child!


 Love. Forgiveness. Healing. Freedom.